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Fear THESE Beards: The Houston Astros And The Hirsute Of Happiness…And A Pennant

While Houston Rockets fans rally behind MVP candidate James Harden with masks and t-shirts, all celebrating his play and equally impressive feared beard, the Houston Astros break Spring Training camp this week with high hopes for their own championship.

If Bible hair hero Samson is any inspiration, the Astros are destined to plow away the American League competition on their way to the World Series this year….judging by their dedication to growing hair, if nothing else. Even before the first “Play Ball!” of the season, the Astros lead the League in facial flocculence.

Fronting the new Killer B(eard)’s is Opening Day starting pitcher Dallas Keuchel, who flaunts his ferocious follicle forest by rubber-banding it, not just once, but twice into pony-tailed mini-beards!

As pallets of Barbasol gather dust in the Osceola County Stadium complex in Kissimmee, FL, we know of only a couple of players who are currently bristle-free: Outfielders George Springer and Colby Rasmus. They, however, are expressing themselves with shaggy noggins: Springer with an unruly, non-gelled Mohawk, and Rasmus with floppy locks my high school principal would’ve wanted cut.

The Astro parade of piliferous players —those with goatees, beards, or stubble— number right around 21, over 4/5 of a regular season roster, and only a couple are “on the bubble,” roster-wise as Spring Training draws to a close. First, outfielders L.J. Hoes, Alex Presley, Evan Gattis, Jake Marisnick, and SS/OF Jonathan Villar weigh in with varying degrees of growth, from 9 o’clock shadow to “I-wonder-where-I-put-my-keys?” underbrush.

Infielders Marwin Gonzalez, Luis Valbuena, Jon Singleton, and Chris Carter also gather together when the Schick hits the fan, as do a dozen members of the pitching staff, including left-handers Tony Sipp, Kevin Chapman, and Brett Oberholtzer. right-handers Scott Feldman, Brad Peacock, Jake Buchanan, and Josh Fields join in, with the latter likely starting the season on the disabled list with a groin injury.

Starter Collin McHugh and relievers Luke Gregerson, Pat Neshek, and Chad Qualls round out Houston’s bewhiskered bullpen.

Interestingly, facial hair has a bit of a history in the Major Leagues: In 1972, Oakland A’s owner Charles Finley tied in a Mustache Day promotion with a $500 incentive to any of his players who would grow a ‘stache by Father’s Day. This, at a time in baseball history when every other team kept their players’ faces smooth as a shaved billiard ball. Sure enough, come Father’s Day, the teams’ collective lip villi made Finley’s money clip $12,500 lighter.

This so-called “Mustache Gang” was celebrated in April, 2012, as the A’s sponsored Mustache Madness Day at the ballpark. Fans were invited to wear real or fake mustaches in a contest commemorating the 40th anniversary of Finley’s follicle folly.

So, with the Astros approaching their April 6 home opener vs. Cleveland, Minute Maid Park equipment managers are busily shipping back cartons of Gillette Foamy, and cancelling visits by Burma-Shave sales reps; and, for all we know, furry green alien mascot, Orbit, has been trimming and shaping his own Venusian vibrissae.

With all the new players General Manager Jeff Luhnow has signed and traded for over the winter, manager A.J. Hinch has been working overtime devising trust and community exercises for those players, hoping to build chemistry and team cohesiveness.

Whether borne of Hinch’s master plan or not, the players’ collective avoidance of all things razor-related may just turn out to be the thing that gets the Astros to the World Series for the first time in a decade.

In fact, while pundits and prognosticators are predicting team finishes for the upcoming season, I’ll put in my two bits: The Astros will sweep the Series in four lopsided blow-outs. What?……You know it’s not going to be a close shave.

Author: Brad Kyle

Brad was born the same year as rock’n’roll and Disneyland. Aging only slightly better than one of them, he’s a Houston native, and has seen countless Astro games, in all three Houston pro ball stadiums: Colt Stadium, The Astrodome, and Minute Maid Park.

He has spent one day as a crematorium assistant, one day in a Paddington Bear suit at the Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue, and 3 days as an extra on 1998’s 20th Century Fox theatrical release, “The Newton Boys,” directed by Richard Linklater (and starring Matthew McConaughey and Ethan Hawke).

Brad has also played pinball with the Talking Heads’ David Byrne (he’ll claim he won, but *wink*), and when presenting Peter Gabriel (Genesis) with a paper plate for his autograph, he proceeded to write, “To Brad, Eat well. Peter Gabriel.” I’ve been following his advice ever since!

Brad has spent professional time (more than one day for each) as a teacher, youth minister, radio personality, record store manager, entertainment booking agent, singer, comedy writer, and…..oh, yeah, sports writer!