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What The Houston Astros Do When You’re Not Looking

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  • Updated: April 15, 2015

The Houston Astros’ DH, Evan Gattis got his first hit in an Astro uniform in the team’s 7th game, and now has 2 hits in 28 ABs (as of 8 games played through April 14) for a .071 batting average, coupled with a triskaidekaphobic 13 strikeouts. It wouldn’t be fair, I guess, to pin the offseason trade acquisition’s slow start on triple cheeseburgers, but if manager A.J. Hinch is only grasping at justifiable straws anyway, Whataburger might be as good a place to start as any.

According to Astros broadcasters Robert Ford and former Major League pitcher Steve Sparks, Gattis has a jones for the Texas-based hamburger chain’s gastro-paleo gut-buster. Oh, mayo on both buns, please, with large fries and a Coke, of course. Get that average to something visible with the naked eye, Evan, and Whataburger might come calling for an endorsement deal!

  • When righthanded reliever, Pat Neshek, was a St. Louis Cardinal last season, he wore #41. Hot shot starter John Lackey, though, was traded to the Cards from the Boston Red Sox, and was accustomed to wearing #41, as well, and asked Neshek (a longtime baseball memorabilia collector) for it. Sweetening the deal, Lackey offered Neshek a wicked $50,000 watch to switch digits. Having no need for a watch, the perpetually tardy Neshek wished, instead, for a $20,000 Babe Ruth autographed baseball he’d been eying. Lackey, knowing full well the difference between 50,000 and 20,000 happily bought the ball for Neshek, and new numbers successfully made it to their respective backs, thus earning Lackey his first career save. Neshek chose #37, and brought it to Houston in the offseason when he signed as a free agent.
  • Astros SS Jed Lowrie takes four batting gloves with him to the batter’s box. Afraid of splinters? Nope; he wears two, of course, and has 2 sticking out of his right back pocket for every at-bat. Back to splinters, maybe Lowrie knows what he’s doing, and is fully prepared should a playful shortstop toss a rotted 2-by-4 into the basepath on a sliding double.
  • On their off-day this week (Thursday, April 16), the Astros host the invitation-only premiere screening of “Big Dreams: The Jose Altuve Story” at a downtown Houston theater. The MLB Productions documentary is narrated by Houston native and 1972 Bellaire High School drama student and graduate, Dennis Quaid. The Astro orange carpet will be rolled out for such luminaries as team owner Jim Crane, Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan, and his son, Astros president of business operations Reid Ryan, with upcoming HOF inductee Craig Biggio. Complimentary food and drink will accompany the showing, and Altuve and “Big Dreams” director/producer Danny Field will hold a Q&A session following. It’s rumored Astro mascot Orbit will attend, ceremoniously throwing out the first popcorn.
  • Award-winning actor Kevin Costner (“Bull Durham,” “Field of Dreams”) attended the Monday, April 13 game at Minute Maid against the Oakland A’s. He’s touring Oklahoma and Texas with his band, Modern West, and was enjoying a rare off-day before playing southwest Houston suburb Stafford Tuesday night. “We play Americana music really loud,” Costner said from his seat in an interview during the Astro telecast. “We’ve been together nine years and we play our own music,” he continued. He witnessed an 8-1 drubbing of the home team by the A’s.
  • Back to food, a sidebar in the April 13 Sports Illustrated highlighted the Astros’ nutritionist, Roberta Anding, and her attempts to improve players’ food choices. Mr. Gattis? Ms. Anding. During one Spring Training morning last month, she was perfecting a new spinach, kale, and ginger smoothie, impressing a co-worker with its taste in the process. “It’s never good nutrition if your guys won’t eat it,” Anding offered. “Every place is different,” says Pat Neshek, late for breakfast. “You get Oakland who throws out the cheapest food —it wouldn’t even register on an A-ball level— and then the Cardinals, who were incredible.”
  • With minor leaguers making around two thousand a month, fast food is their usual fare on the road. But, when teams spend over $300 million annually on signing their draft picks and free agents, it makes sense to protect that investment, and enable those young players to eat more healthfully. To that end, the Astros have begun supplementing their minor league food budgets in the hopes of building ballplayers who haven’t been raised on triple cheeseburgers.

Author: Brad Kyle

Brad was born the same year as rock’n’roll and Disneyland. Aging only slightly better than one of them, he’s a Houston native, and has seen countless Astro games, in all three Houston pro ball stadiums: Colt Stadium, The Astrodome, and Minute Maid Park.

He has spent one day as a crematorium assistant, one day in a Paddington Bear suit at the Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue, and 3 days as an extra on 1998’s 20th Century Fox theatrical release, “The Newton Boys,” directed by Richard Linklater (and starring Matthew McConaughey and Ethan Hawke).

Brad has also played pinball with the Talking Heads’ David Byrne (he’ll claim he won, but *wink*), and when presenting Peter Gabriel (Genesis) with a paper plate for his autograph, he proceeded to write, “To Brad, Eat well. Peter Gabriel.” I’ve been following his advice ever since!

Brad has spent professional time (more than one day for each) as a teacher, youth minister, radio personality, record store manager, entertainment booking agent, singer, comedy writer, and…..oh, yeah, sports writer!